When some unexpected news hit our household two weeks ago, I put out the word to friends. Clearly fishing for encouragement, support, and even sympathy, I was not disappointed by the responses.
Among the kind and encouraging words was one simple statement that touched me deeply: “You have much to be grateful for.”
Absolutely correct, and a much needed reminder of the riches of my life. Delivered at the very moment when my imagination was running away with thoughts about what we had just lost (a job/income, by the way).
I do indeed have much to be grateful for. When I run down my “gratitude list” list I feel grounded and calm. I feel safe and warm. I feel blessed, even charmed. Maybe I even feel a little overwhelmed by how much I have to be grateful for when there is so much hurt and suffering in the world.
I feel grateful; but I don’t necessarily feel joy.
Not that I expect to be jumping up and down with the reality of instant and unintended change in our lives, but the circumstances revealed this gap between being thankful for my life and feeling joyful to be living it.
Joy is being delighted and lighthearted. It’s spontaneously expressing happiness. Greeting the day with a “let’s go!” attitude, and closing the day with a feeling of satisfaction. Taking pleasure. Jumping in with both feet. Savoring.
Children are the embodiment of joy and they express it with their whole selves. A school bus! An awesome Lego creation! Candy! It’s their default setting. My children show me unchecked joy on a daily basis – if I can slow down enough to notice it.
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Joylessness is a bad habit.
I’ve set my default to joylessness without realizing it. It’s become a routine behavior, involuntary and difficult to even notice.
I don’t come across as a joyless person. As mentioned above and all over this blog, I am attuned to the goodness of my life, and I do appreciate the miracles of each day.
Nevertheless, I feel the absence of childlike joy and wonder and enthusiasm in the way I experience my life.
How did I get here? There is so much stress and struggle all around, I wonder if the joy gets beat down by the burden of it all. Or do I extinguish my joy because I feel guilty for having fewer struggles than some? Or is there something deep inside telling me to focus on the struggle, because if I don’t show you my struggles you won’t give me the love and care I so desperately want to receive?
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A few years ago I identified my life’s purpose, my unique gift to this world. I emerged from that experience with a feeling of openness and expansiveness that I (unintentionally) tucked away in a deep protected corner of my heart. At first it was new and exciting, an open flame, but over time it settled into more of an ember, something I guarded and kept close.
When I flip back through my notes from that time, that ember starts to glow a little brighter, and I begin to feel a sense of joy emerging from within.
My purpose statement is grounded in two fundamental values: belonging and cooperation. From those values,
I want to make connections that allow me to create beauty and meaning in the world.
In the glow of this purpose, my joylessness habit must be questioned.
:: How did I stray away from my purpose – the thing that brings me a flicker of joy by merely reading the words?
:: How did I fall into the habit of acting from a place of scarcity and fear rather than a place of abundance and connection?
:: How long does it take to establish a new habit?
Daily routines become unconscious habits. Information-overload is numbing. Resisting the pressure of our consumer culture can be exhausting. Operating on auto-pilot can help hold the struggles at bay, and can easily become the default way of life. This is how we stop noticing, stop creating, and stop feeling joyful.
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I need to reset my default back to joyfulness.
Here is how I’ll do it:
1. Continue to cultivate my meditation practice. When I begin my day with just 10 or 15 minutes, I feel a significant lift – my capacity for feeling joy rises to the surface.
2. Feed off my children’s enthusiasm. Learn from them. Embrace their joyfulness. Foster their sense of wonder and help them hold on to it as long as possible.
3. Create and connect. More on this to come (from my garage… stay tuned).
Amen to that. I love you.
how do you put those little 4 dots in instead of ugly bullets?
tee hee.
I must have missed the news. I will go back. Good thing life is recorded digitally.
Someone at work showed me how to turn things around and I try to do that. Also Savannah’s approach “OK, it’s obvious what I can’t do, but what can I do?” My default is to focus on what I can’t do, or what I think is wrong. So for instance my thoughtful co-worker who has similar issues with our boss, posed the question to herself (then told me about it), “OK, so I have a boss who doesn’t want to, and even refuses to give any direction, on anything. Hm. OK, now what is good about having a hands off boss?” So I try to pose that question to myself, though often it is hard to remember to in highly charged situations, but I’ve found it brings me a lot of relief, actually.
[…] practice is part of my effort to reset my default to joyful. And like I said, it is a fragile new habit that needs much care. Some days I choose to snooze […]