Clarity, Wisdom, and a Life of Purpose

I am self assured.
My thoughts, action and decisions come naturally.
My heart’s desire is clear and true.
I feel lifted up by life and carried along, without the weight of fear and worry.

When I wake up my body is energized and moves easily.
The food I eat is vibrant and fuels me, fills me up with vitality and brightness.

I feel connected to life and feel oneness with the people around me, even strangers.

I smile a lot.

And laugh easily.

::

I wrote these words as an exercise in visualizing what my life would be like if I were deeply connected to my true purpose. This activity was done at the beginning of a three-month coaching group with Savannah and five other remarkable women.

At the conclusion of my (life-changing) experience with the group, I had determined that for me, living on purpose was something like:

To experience joy through creating beauty and meaning in the world.

::

I have moments, sometimes even hours, days or weeks when I feel truly aligned with this purpose.

And sometimes not.

In the midst of my life with an active, busy family, it is all too easy to slide into autopilot and get through the days. As a full-time working mom, I can get discouraged by the (small) amount of time I actually spend with my kids. Heck, as a full-time working person it can be terribly discouraging to have so little time for anything but work – marriage, personal interests,  contributions to church and other organizations that are important and worthy.

::

How is it possible to stay in tune with one’s life purpose?

The answer is to know your values, and to live from your values.

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Simple. All you gotta do is know what is most important to you, and use those values as a guide while you make decisions throughout your days, weeks and years. Stay true to your heart and you’ll have a vibrant, purpose-filled life.

So much easier said than done.

::

What are your core values?

These are your guiding principles. There are probably hundreds of values, like accomplishment, abundance, accountability, accuracy, adventure, altruism, autonomy… (and that’s just the ones that begin with ‘a’).  Values are inherently good, but you have to decide – from all that is good and holy – what you hold most dear.

Visualizing how your life looks, sounds, tastes, and feels (like I did and shared above) is one way to help sort through all the possibilities and articulate your most precious values. There are lots of resources to help you find your core values (Google “find my core values” for many options. I have enjoyed VIA Signature Strengths from Authentic Happiness)

What are your core values?
Mine are: Flexibility, Clarity, Joy, Simplicity, Gratitude and Tolerance.

Once you have zeroed in on your core values, you have to use them to guide your life. This takes intentionality and mindfulness. There are a million and one distractions that keep us from living from our core values. For a mom with young kids, lack of sleep and the grouchiness that accompanies could be a factor. For me, one major barrier that distracts me from my values is information overload and the overabundance of choices we have in this culture. It causes me to glaze over and operate my life on autopilot.

Some strategies for staying tuned in to your core values:

• Develop a regular practice of prayer or meditation to calm the noise of the world and keep you grounded in your values.
• Wear a special piece of jewelry that will remind you of your life’s purpose when you notice it on your body.
• Place a sacred object in the place(s) where you spend much of your time – you workspace, your kitchen, your car – another gentle reminder of your values.
• Talk about values with your spouse and family, and establish a family value statement. Display it in your home.

It’s best to surround yourself with reminders of those core values. Just as there are many distractions, you need many reminders to keep you on track.

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Though I’ve referenced the age-old “problem” of the working parent, a couple of points need clarification:

• Being a parent is challenging, whether you work a full-time job or not. By living from your values, time spent with your children is rich and meaningful. Even on days when you have little more than breakfast and bedtime together.
• Living from your core values extends to every corner of your life. Engaging your values at work gives your work purpose.

::

Every day we are presented with opportunities to feel joy, create beauty, and to find meaning. They come in the quiet moments (as your baby finally drifts off to sleep for the night); in the eye of the storm (when you just don’t see eye to eye with your partner); and in the in between times (admiring the incredible diversity of humanity on the train commute home).

May we each have the clarity to find our heart’s center.
And the wisdom to live our lives from that place.

Come, Rest Awhile

You have forgotten what it is to smile
In your too busy life­ come, rest awhile.

::

Do you take breaks? 

Do you know how to rest?

I don’t.

I am drawn to busyness. Always doing things, planning things, evaluating, re-planning.

And at the same time I am constantly wanting, needing, wishing for more time with my boys, and thinking, planning and evaluating ways to make that happen.

When I have the time and space to just “be” with them, so many times I end up with the itch to get busy with something else: cleaning up, cooking/packing  lunches, insidious email checking, organizing, daydreaming about a backyard renovation project, sewing/fixing/making something, running errands… you get the picture.

Before you know it I am off, either in body or in mind – away from my people who I love so dearly. Away, and busy.

::

This past Sunday I devoted 7 hours to food shopping and prep. Chopping, stirring, baking, packing and freezing. While husband and baby napped/watched football (so so sweetly) and older son entertained himself on the computer (upstairs, removed from the rest of us). A pretty typical Sunday afternoon.

For sure, food is a necessity. It does need to be procured and prepared. In those 7 hours I did a lot of work that will make many of our weekday lunches and dinners a bit quicker to the table (and healthy). But when it was all said and done, I was acutely aware of what I had traded that day:

Time to rest.

Unstructured time with my boys.

A bit of calm before a new week was to begin.

::

I often wonder, “What I am hiding from?”

What am I covering over with all this busyness? I can honestly say that I don’t know the answer.

That night, as my racing mind was slowly winding down to sleep, one very clear bit of truth emerged. The only way to discover the answer to that question is to rest. Slow down the pacing of my mind and the industry of my hands.

Sit with stillness and find out what it has to teach me.

::

Come, Rest Awhile
by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Come, rest awhile, and let us idly stray
In glimmering valleys, cool and far away.

Come from the greedy mart, the troubled street,
And listen to the music, faint and sweet,

That echoes ever to a listening ear,
Unheard by those who will not pause to hear­

The wayward chimes of memory’s pensive bells,
Wind-blown o’er misty hills and curtained dells.

One step aside and dewy buds unclose
The sweetness of the violet and the rose;

Song and romance still linger in the green,
Emblossomed ways by you so seldom seen,

And near at hand, would you but see them, lie
All lovely things beloved in days gone by.

You have forgotten what it is to smile
In your too busy life­come, rest awhile.

::

Small Acts of Love Make a Difference

The idea of “little things” is making a big impact on me these days. I set my intentions for this year without knowing how I would even begin. And then I started receiving a series of signs and messages telling me to take small steps, notice small things, and to allow things to unfold over time.

In the midst of challenging and stressful events in my life, I have been witness these recent days to many small acts of love (and a few big ones too). These little things are keeping me afloat, and providing tremendous encouragement to be ready, be patient, and and present.

:: A hug. A sincere one. From a coworker who both challenges me and cheers me on. What a gift to have that kind of workplace relationship.

:: A friend who listened when I needed to vent, and then offered her time to help me clear away some “stuff” that’s getting in my way.

:: A cheerful after-school greeting and hug from my 6 year old. Cherishing those moments, knowing one day his hugs might no be so freely given.

:: Wisdom and encouragement from my parents. Their presence in my life is a constant reminder of the meaning of devotion, loyalty and trust.

:: A compliment on my writing from a friend and kindred spirit.

:: The unexpected opportunity to catch up with two of my mentors and favorite people, just when I needed to feel that kind of love and warmth.

:: Hearing “please” and “thank you” from my sweet toddler.

:: An inquiry about a possible custom jewelry design project. Just as I am making my plans for bringing that work out of hibernation.

Life can feel so overwhelming, so challenging, so exhausting. But each time I noticed one of these small acts of love, the burdens became lighter. The difficulties were seen in a little different perspective.

I felt genuine gratitude.

What are the little things that lift you up?

Be Ready

You Reading This, Be Ready
William Stafford

Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
What scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life -

What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

These words are telling me:

• Begin your day with intention. Move through the day in ways that will leave you feeling whole and at peace when look back at it in the evening.
• In any way possible, give your attention to one thing at a time. Break old habits, change priorities, or physically turn off the distractions that keep you from being fully present to the person or task at hand.
• Take notice of your beautiful little boys. Take them for exactly who they are, right here in this moment. They love and need you unconditionally.
• Take notice of your big boy too and make sure he gets your attention, support and praise. The husband-wife relationship is fragile and strong – all at the same time.

An odd encounter with a massage therapist last week is sticking in my brain. Her (unsolicited) advice about my “really bad posture,” she said, ” You can’t fix this unless you are ready to do the work it would take. Most people don’t.”

I feel the urge to make so many changes to improve myself, be a better mom, make a greater difference in the world. And at the same time the very thought of it is overwhelming. Am I ready? Am I willing to do the work it will take? Will I get discouraged when the benefits are not instant or when I backslide or fail?

And then, there is another voice that says something like, “You are already enough. You do enough. You’re not broken. There is nothing to fix. Take one day at a time. Be present. It’s all you can do.”

What am I Creating?

I’m starting the year on empty. A little sad. A little sorry. A little blah.

There is more being asked of me than I feel like I have to give. Work, family, friends, even the cat – all needing their share. Leaving me feeling used up, run down, and generally unbalanced.

Have you ever felt this way?

I didn’t see it coming this time. I’ve been here before, so you’d think I would catch it early, course correct, and find the motivation to carry me past this blah place and on to where I really want to be going.

Quite a let-down after ending 2011 with great expectations. And it’s only January 8th!

So, in stolen bits of time – daydreaming while the kids play in the bath, a lunch date with myself after running errands – I came to one important, and very simple conclusion:

I need a plan.

I need to take the big ideas for 2012 and make them into something concrete and doable. And I need to take small steps to avoid overload and see quick, positive changes. I’m going to take the next few weeks or so to get clear and get specific.

But this will be my guiding question:

What are you creating?

There are two sides to change – creation and destruction – and I’ve written a bit about this before. When something new is created, something else comes to an end.

To make lasting change, I need to acknowledge what must end to make space for the new. This will mean ending old habits that don’t serve me. It means clearing out the (mental and physical) stuff that clutters my vision and sucks up my time.

Little things add up.

Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect? The notion that one small change (the flap of a butterfly’s wings) can have a huge impact elsewhere (a hurricane develops on the other side of the globe). I was reminded of this idea today and it was a welcomed affirmation that small changes can have big results.

The Butterfly Effect gives me permission to realize important changes in increments. I read recently that people tend to overestimate what they can accomplish in a day, and underestimate what they can do in a year. Making a series of small changes can reverse that equation.

What am I creating?

Initially, I am creating an action plan. A collection of small actions that will change my attitude, my surroundings, my relationships.

Ultimately, I’m creating a way of life that …

[stay tuned!]

2012: The Year of the Butterfly

You’ve read The Very Hungry Caterpillar, right? A classic children’s book that both of my kids love. We read it often, so it is one that comes to mind easily, and it was the first thing I thought of today as I was considering my theme for 2012.

2012 will be The Year of the Butterfly.

As many will know, the story begins with the light of the moon and a little egg. Out pops a very hungry caterpillar who begins to eat. Slowly at first – an apple, then two pears, then three plums, then more. By the end of the week the very hungry caterpillar is consuming everything in sight: chocolate cake, sausages, watermelon, pickles. The binge finally ends when the caterpillar has become sick and fat. It comes to its senses; eats a green leaf and makes a cocoon to live in for more than two weeks. Finally, what emerges is not a fat caterpillar. Not a caterpillar at all – but a beautiful butterfly.

The story is a perfect metaphor for what I need in 2012.

• I need to stop consuming mindlessly – food, Facebook updates, magazine subscriptions and more
• I need to live more simply – with less consumption comes more space (physically and mentally) for simple pleasures and time to enjoy them
• I need to put my energy toward becoming – the person I want to be, doing things I want to do

I’ve not worked out what it will take to turn myself into a butterfly. Do I need goals or no goals? Do I need to give up Facebook completely, or figure out its place in my life and keep it in its place? Do I need to make major life changes, or do I need to refine the path I’m already on? How does this impact my family? How do I involve them in my journey?

One thing I know I want to do is keep writing here.

I started this blog four years ago in conjunction with the jewelry design business that my husband and I created together. Maternal Journey Jewelry has not yet become the butterfly it is meant to be, and I hope that is one of the changes in store for this year.

Though the business has yet to take off, the blog is something that does work. Instead of a strategy for promoting the business, this has become a place for me to process and share what I am learning about life – through the lens of motherhood.

So I’ll be sharing here regularly in 2012. I hope you will journey along with me and share what you are learning too.

Happy New Year!

Church Pews and Twinkle Lights: Why I Love Christmas

Admittedly, I am highly sentimental. Long distance phone call commercials; heart-shaped rocks; my mother’s handwriting – these things bring up a lot of emotion for me. Some may look questionably at sentimental folk, and even dismiss sentimentalism as a weakness.

I look at my sentimentalism as a way to feel and express meaning in my life.

I’m also a natural born soul-searcher, so I often find myself examining what pushes my sentimental buttons, and why.

Let’s take a look at Christmas Eve – high on the scale of sentimental occasions.

Our plan for yesterday included brunch at our house with friends (this becoming a tradition of seeing this lovely family about once a year at Christmastime); time for preparing dinner and a little downtime for youngsters (dare we even hope for naps?); Family Candlelight Service at First Unitarian Church; dinner with more friends (including a gift exchange for the little ones).

This had the makin’s to be stressful and draining, but the day went off with ease. By 4pm I was sitting with my two boys, looking over the balcony at the choir singing something festive and familiar.

Then the tears finally came. Just a few, but enough to make me really wonder, what is it that pushed the button this time?

The easy and obvious answer: Christmas. It’s Christmas and Christmas is special and so of course you’re feeling sentimental.It’s the major holiday for pretty much everyone I know or have ever known and it’s just a given that this holiday is full of meaning.

The real answer is actually not that obvious. Sitting there in the sanctuary, I searched around a little for why this day holds emotion and meaning for me.

It didn’t take me long to come to an answer: Love.

Christmas is about love.

A simple answer, but not simplistic.

The Christmas holiday has become somewhat complex for me over the years. I live in a bi-cultural family in which Christianity is a part, but not central to our lives. As an adult I have friends who don’t celebrate Christmas, at least not the religious holiday. And the consumerism and all those expectations are never easy to sort out, especially as a parent who tries to find the fine and illusive balance between spirit and stuff.

But celebrating Christmas is part of me, and even if my spiritual life transcends certain definitions, celebrating Christmas is where I learned:

• to cherish and protect traditions.
• to be joyful, even to strangers.
• the worthy pursuit of giving a gift from the heart.

And I learned that I am loved. When they shared the Christmas story with me, when they piled the gifts high under the tree, when they went to great lengths to bring together food and family to celebrate together – my family showed me a deep and unconditional love.

And I have carried that forward into my adulthood, my marriage, my parenthood. The involuntary, sometimes compulsive, sometimes overly-anxious urge in me to show love to those dear to me, and to the circles that radiate outward from me – this is all the fruit of seeds sown long ago: in church pews and in twinkle lights; in homemade noodles and too-bright flash bulbs.

Christmas Eve created in me the capacity of love: to feel it, to give it, and to receive it.

Merry Christmas all!

The Knowing and the Loving

Looking at Them Sleep

by Sharon Olds (from Strike Sparks, Selected Poems: 1980-2002)

When I come home late at night and go in to kiss them,
I see my girl with her arm curled around her head,
her mouth a little puffed, like one sated, but
slightly pouted like one who hasn’t had enough,
her eyes so closed you would think they have rolled the
iris around to face the back of her head,
the eyeball marble-naked under that
thick satisfied desiring lid,
she lies on her back in abandon and sealed completion,
and the son in his room, oh the son he is sideways in his bed,
one knee up as if he is climbing
sharp stairs, up into the night,
and under his thin quivering eyelids you
know his eyes are wide open and
staring and glazed, the blue in them so
anxious and crystally in all this darkness, and his
mouth is open, he is breathing hard from the climb
and panting a bit, his brow is crumpled
and pale, his fine fingers curved,
his hand open, and in the center of each hand
the dry dirty boyish palm
resting like a cookie. I look at him in his
quest, the thin muscles of his arms
passionate and tense, I look at her with her
face like the face of a snake who has swallowed a deer,
content, content—and I know if I wake her she’ll
smile and turn her face toward me though
half asleep and open her eyes and I
know if I wake him he’ll jerk and say Don’t and sit
up and stare about him in blue
unrecognition, oh my Lord how I
know these two. When love comes to me and says
What do you know, I say This girl, this boy.

I love these words – not because they describe my children in their states of sleep, but because I completely relate to the knowing and the loving that this poem is about.

And also because these words teach me, they remind me, that this knowing and loving is a very heart of parenting with spirit and intention.

As the end of another year comes to a close, I find myself carving out bits of time to reflect on the past months, and to make new plans and goals for next year.

One intention I am setting for the coming year is to more deeply know my children and to simply love them for all they are worth.

Saying Yes! Instead of No.

I want to believe in abundance. I want abundance to be my way of being in this world. I want to offer this point of view to my children.

I want them to know that there will always be enough…

• Food, shelter and safety – the basic necessities to keep us alive and well.
• Love, comfort and kindness – to get us through all the ups and downs that life has to offer.
• Fun and friendship – so that our days are filled with pleasure and even our work can be enjoyable.

But living abundantly can be a challenge. I feel surrounded by a fearful society in which the dominant messages are focused on achieving and protecting personal wealth. Acquisition of stuff. Opposition to efforts that promote the good of all, that seek to protect those who have little, or that seek to connect rather than divide.

I easily get swept up in the fear-based thinking that leads me to say, “No.” (with a definitive period at the end) rather than “Yes!” (with an exclamation point) too much of the time. This kind of thinking puts abundance on the list of things that will be achieved someday, by muddling through today.

It is in the text and the subtext of my life. It shows up so clearly in my parenting – exactly where I don’t want it to be!

• When I tell my son (repeatedly) to be careful, is he learning that the world is an inherently dangerous place?
• When I insist we forgo the next chapter of the book we are reading because “it’s getting late” is he learning to conform to the “shoulds” that so cleverly keep us in our places in this fearful society?
• When I tell him to wait while I finish a household chore is he hearing that taking out the trash is more important to me than his ideas and discoveries?

… Or am I just keeping him safe; getting him to bed on time so he is rested for school the next morning; and ensuring the house is not taken over by vermin?

Am I over-thinking it?

Possibly.

But, this evening, as I was cleaning up from dinner, and the boys were (more or less) playing together and having fun, Casey came to show me some invention he had created. In that moment, I noticed that I had at least two choices:

1. Put him off, tell him to wait, get the dishes done and kitchen clean before any presentations or demonstrations could be made.

2. Pause. Say yes (Yes!). Allow my son the 17 seconds of undivided attention he was requesting to show me how he could pull a string out of his shirt (magic!).

I said Yes!

Progress: Makes a Mama Proud

I’ve recently decided – based on experiences in my professional life and my home life – that goals are important, and achieving them is important too. But like many people who strive towards living in the present, progress toward goals may be the most important thing to accomplish.

Just three short months ago Casey started First Grade at Arco Iris Spanish Immersion School. There were so many ways to worry about this. For example:

• First public school experience with all new friends and teachers
• One-way immersion for a kid who could only count to ten in Spanish
• A change in our routine with an out-of-the-way commute to school

We had done the research on language immersion and chose that path for the many benefits (a topic for another post), so we just had to accept that Casey’s entry into First Grade may be rocky. All kids respond differently, so we knew we could expect anything and everything from delight to horror. And any or all of it could last for days, weeks or months. Language acquisition takes time, after all.

To my surprise (and genuine delight), Casey has taken to his school, teachers and friends like a champ. He is an enthusiastic learner and is excelling in all of his subjects. He’s happily taken on the challenge of learning a second language, and we observe him practicing his vocab, singing songs, and teaching us words and phrases. To me (a 100% non-Spanish speaker), his pronunciation is surprisingly authentic.

We met with Casey’s teacher today for our Parent-Teacher Conference.

A note about Maestra Stephanie: This woman has a clear love of language and teaching and she is amazingly in-tune with our kid (and I assume she is equally tuned in to each of her students). She began taking note of Casey’s personality and quirks from the day we dropped off his school supplies. She is the kind of teacher who puts me in awe of teachers.

During our short meeting with Maestra Stephanie, we learned about Casey’s progress so far:

• He is meeting all the beginner level milestones for Spanish reading, writing and speaking, and a few of the mid-level milestones.
• Stephanie is challenging him with the more complex Spanish reading practices, and he reads with a group that tend to challenge each other to do well.
• He has steadily improved his ability to control his emotions and is learning more positive ways to respond to conflict and to instructions or activities he doesn’t understand.
• Though we didn’t talk to his math or English teachers, his reports show he’s doing very well in those subjects too.

All of this from a kid who didn’t speak a lick of Spanish three months ago and who has happily immersed himself in this new environment and made great progress in both academics and social skills.

Progress.

Admittedly, I had no concern that my boy wasn’t capable of all these things. But I had no idea how smoothly he would make progress towards the learning goals of First Grade and the big goal of dual language learning.

So tonight I am a very proud Mama. And his progress reminds me that despite the high expectations I have for myself at home and at work, what is truly inspiring and motivating is noticing the progress – big and small steps – that we make towards out goals.