Alternate title to this post: “How to Waste Your Breath and Drive Yourself Crazy with Futile Discipline Techniques”
On the spectrum of parenting styles, I fall somewhere in the middle, between the spankers and the attachment parenters. Leaning toward attachment, I try to “simply” follow my heart instead of following a particular parenting guru or textbook. My style of discipline ends up on the soft side. And here we are, three years and six months into the deal, and I am questioning myself, and floundering a little in setting limits and providing discipline for my child.
In the moments of passion – he wants one thing, I want another – I negotiate. I give. I do this because I feel like it’s important for my child to have a voice, have a preference, and yes, to get his way a lot of the time. Doesn’t seem fair that I get my way just because “I’m the Mom and I say so” or because my way is faster, more convenient, or otherwise BETTER than his way. Out of respect for my child as a person, I believe he has a right to his say in the matters of his daily life.
Problem is, this is not working. And I have resorted, on too many occasions, to empty threats and lectures, trying to get this child (who is exhibiting nothing but normal, age-appropriate naughtiness) to comply. He’s even resorted to covering his years when I start in on him with one of my lectures about why and how I want him to comply. And I’ve even resorted to saying, “You have to do this because we say so and parents know better than children.” Ug.
All of my actions are well-intentioned, but clearly, we need to revamp the approach. I need to find a new way to set expectations and boundaries that are rooted in love, AND that actually work to create order, peace and happiness for all of the members of our family.
Perhaps you’ve seen Katharine Kersey’s 101 Positive Principles of Discipline. I came across Kersey while I was pregnant, and filed this somewhat daunting list away for the day I would need it. And tonight, after a series of “situations” that left the parents feeling pissed off and the kid kicking and screaming, I pulled out that list and started reading.
In Katherine’s words, “good parents use many of them without even realizing it.” So I did feel relieved that some of the things we instinctively do to create routines and boundaries are on the list (whew! I can still qualify for “good parent” status), and that her overarching principle of using kindness, trust and respect to empower children to make good choices aligns with the heart values I am trying to uphold and instill in my kid.
Now, who can really digest and implement 101 different principles? I can’t even remember the 7 digits of my cell number, so I had to start weeding the list down to something a little more manageable. Here are a few that stood out to me, organized by discipline directed to ME, and discipline to be directed to the child (a distinction Kersey doesn’t make in her list, but clearly many of these “rules” are more about shaping the parent’s expectations rather than the child’s actions):
For the Parent:
- Demonstrate Respect Principle – Treat the child the same way you treat other important people in your life – the way you want him to treat you – and others. (How would I want her to say that to me?)
- Follow Through/Consistency Principle – Don’t let the child manipulate you out of using your better judgment. Be firm (but kind)!
- Make a Sacrifice Principle – Sometimes you have to forget your personal desires (talking on your cell phone, watching a movie, doing your homework) and give full attention to the child.
- Owning the Problem Principle – Decide who owns the problem by asking yourself, “Who is it bugging?” If it is bugging you, then you own the problem and need to take responsibility for solving it – OR – you can opt to not let it bug you (and let it go), such as in sibling quibbling!
For the Child:
- When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle – “When you have finished your homework, then you may watch TV.” (No homework – no TV.)
- Bunny Planet Principle – (adapted from Rosemary Wells) – Close your eyes and tell the children that you are going to the bunny planet (or another imaginary place). Ask them to tell you when they are ready for you to come back (when things are quiet and they are ready to make good choices). If you are at home, you might go to the bathroom and wait for behavior to improve. Take your telephone, radio and books. Do not come out until behavior has changed.
- Blame it on the Rules Principle – “Our school /family rule is to wash your hands before eating.”
- “I” Message Principle – Own your own feelings. “When you leave wet towels on the bed, the bed gets wet, and I feel angry. I would like for you to hang them on the hook behind the door.”
- Positive Closure Principle – At the end of the day, remind your child that she is special and loved. Help her to look for something good – about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.
And one more for everyone to embrace…
- Have Fun Together Principle – Children love to know that they bring us joy and pleasure. Lighten up and have fun.
So, tomorrow is a new day. And I’ll take it one step at a time. Perhaps it will be the day we introduce the Bunny Planet (since Casey is really into outer space right now), or we’ll have a family meeting to revisit our family rules. Of course whatever the step, I’ll be making it along side my husband and co-parent, and we need to come together on this to make it work.
I’m sure this is not the final post on this issue.