Letting Go; Making Space

I’ve crossed over into the third trimester with baby boy #2, and thoughts of making space are making their way from the back to the front of my mind. There are the physical spaces to be tended to – furniture rearranging and reorganizing and the like. But more importantly, the emotional and spiritual spaces that will transform with the addition of another family member.

A couple of weeks ago, I dropped Casey off at his Sunday School class and for the first time ever, he just gave me a kiss and a wave and joined the group. No hesitation. My first reaction was pure pride, followed by a twinge of sadness as I noticed the flip side of this new confidence and independence – a little less need for Mama.

But it just took another second or two to realize the natural unfolding of my relationship with baby boy #1. When I saw Casey go on his own, I realized he is letting go – just a little at a time – so we can all make space for our family to grow. The whole event – which happened in about 4 seconds – was just what I needed to help calm my fears and get centered on how much this new person is going to add, not take away.

Recent Observations

• Four years old is big, but it’s not THAT big. My boy still needs “lots of love and attention” (his quote) and encouragement and praise from his parents and other caregivers. I am noticing that I (too often) have too-high expectations for what my son can or should be able to do at this age, and this is adding to the level of stress and frustration in our lives. Mama needs to chill. Enjoy this child for exactly who he is right here today, and go with the flow.

• “Sensitive” is a label that feels like a true-enough descriptor of my son, but also a somewhat unfair, or at least limiting one. Yes, he is still learning how to appropriately express his feelings. And yes, this is probably the most obvious thing that he is working on developmentally. But I wonder (because the I am asking myself this question for the first time as I type), what other ability or interest or achievement is he ready to develop, that I don’t even notice because all we are noticing is that he is “sensitive?”

• Here it is August and we have yet to get ourselves to the beach to play. Sure, we have gone the farm and to birthday parties and to a soccer game and to the zoo and to the grocery and to the shops and out to dinner like a jillion times and we remodeled the kitchen and battled (er, continue to battle) the barking neighbor dogs, and, and, and… but a good piece of summer has passed us by and we are just feeling run ragged by doing stuff. And we haven’t even spent a day at the beach.

• Oh, and we are looking at kindergarten options. KINDERGARTEN!

So what does it all mean? That’s precisely the question, right?

Last fall, I joined a small group of women to explore the idea of Living on Purpose. The group came together at just the right time for me, when I was feeling a little lost and unsure of myself. It turned out to be a remarkable three months of searching and discovering and just flat out getting groovy with who I AM, and what that means for what I DO in this world. And the one little nugget that sticks with me daily is that I finally figured out what my job in this life is supposed to be… to find joy of being (Get it? JOB = Joy Of  Being. Kind of cheesy. I know.).

As I am feeling a little run down and overwhelmed by the demands of my life (especially the concerns I have for my son and my role as his mom), I need to remind myself of my “real job.” That I am here on this earth to find wonder in each moment. To rise above the petty frustrations and superficial hassles of daily life so I can clearly feel the joy of being uniquely me.

When I can bring this true being along in my daily doings, I know that it’s all going to get a lot easier. And not to mention, a lot more fun.

~~~

P.S. For mamas in the Portland, OR area, I highly recommed any of Savannah Mayfield’s workshops and classes. For everyone, she offers individual personal coaching by phone and in person.  She is an inspiring presence in either venue and is just downright magnetic. If you’re looking for help in searching out your purpose or your passion, visit Savannah’s site: http://www.nurturelifecoaching.com/

Weekend Reflection

Friday

• Pick up Casey from school, walk to the streetcar, ride toward the sushi joint, get off early to “walk” the rest of the way (i.e. gallop, run, piggyback ride the last few blocks).
• Eat dinner, coffee/juice box for dessert.
• Walk to the park blocks; chat up the firefighters and get a tour of the rig.
• Explore the park blocks, pretend to be trains, explore the Art Museum sculpture garden, continue train thing all the way to church.
• Attend children’s concert and CD release party for new albums from folk singer, Mona Warner. Run, play, dance, get sweaty, eat cookies.
• Walk to our car and head home; stop at pharmacy to pick up prescription.
• Jammies, books, floss and brush. Bed.

Saturday

• Awake at 6, breakfast, art, make-believe adventures all around the house.
• Mom makes a cowboy vest for “dress up show and tell” on Tuesday.
• Dad pays bills.
• Play date plans get canceled.
• Dad runs errands, Casey and mom play, then pack lunches, get ready for bike ride.
• Bike to nearby community garden; lunch under a shady tree; explore the gardens and see what’s growing; visit nearby playground; ride home.
• Nap for Casey; study time for Dad; mom goes to Woman’s Wisdom Circle.
• Stop at grocery on the way home.
• Friends come for dinner. Make pizza dough – rise, roll, top and bake. Boys play ball in the yard. Dad tends the garden; moms chat. Eat. More playing, running, puzzles.
• Bedtime routine.
• Quiet time for Mom and Dad; everyone rests.

Sunday

• Dad to the movies with a friend; Mom and Casey take the train downtown.
• Coffee and scones, more park block exploration, more sculpture garden adventures.
• Church.
• Slices of pizza in the Square for lunch.
• Fall asleep on the train home; quiet time for Mom.
• Dad gets home; quiet time for Dad.
• Casey up, time to watch a movie with Mom; eat a snack; finalize the grocery list.
• Grocery; haul it home; make and eat dinner, Dad marinates salmon for dinner tomorrow.
• Boys work on the garden; plant broccoli; play ball; in general, run around like crazy.
• Mom calls her mom and dad to catch up.
• Time to slow down, cool down. Bedtime routine.
• Casey asleep; more study time for Dad; quiet time for Mom.

Recounting the events of the weekend, it sure does sound like a busy one. We were on the go! We did lots of stuff! We connected with friends. We even managed to stock the ‘fridge for the coming week.

But somehow, it didn’t feel like a busy weekend. These last couple of days have had a quality of richness that have not felt in a while.

And I think that it all comes down to intention and presence - experiencing each activity in its fullness. Making an effort to spend time doing whatever we were doing, without being overly concerned with the next thing we would be doing. Slowing down in this way allowed me to really enjoy the time I spent with my son and my husband, enjoy the beauty of my city and the patches of nature within it, and enjoy the remarkable people who are part of the landscape of our lives.

In this world of endless options, it is a challenge to keep even a fraction of our days unscheduled and free. But I truly believe that these are the times that we as a family will come to know as the most special, most sacred times we spend together.

Tripping Over Goodness

I’ve been busy. During the past three weeks, I’ve been getting back into the swing of “normal life” after our three-week family vacation to Thailand, while simultaneously getting geared up for back-to-back business travel to Sacramento and then Montreal. Meanwhile, we’ve had family in town, spring fever, and the first stuffy noses (Casey and then me) of the year!

But here I am, snug in the arms of the Boucherville, QC Comfort Inn, taking the time (despite my exhaustion) to reflect on the past few days. I’m awed and amazed at the goodness I seem to be tripping over right and left!  

1. The windfall actually began back in January. Holidays over and I started to daydream about getting back home to see my family sooner than later. We didn’t visit them for the holidays, and I was feeling the pull to spend some time there. But funds are tight and vacation time is slim (due to previously mentioned three-week trip), so I didn’t have a lot of hope this would happen. And then the opportunity materialized. A work project would bring me to Canada in March – a trip that would bring me within a puddle jump from my hometown, on the weekend of my dad’s 60th birthday. And if that wasn’t good enough, the ticket was actually cheaper with the boondoggle than if I were to purchase a direct route. If that is not a gift from the Universe, I don’t know what it is.
2. Red-eye flight to Chicago. First-class upgrade goes through and I am a lucky girl. I sink into my seat, say a quick hello to the guy next me and settle in for a three-hour nap. I’m hardly ever a plane-talker, but somehow, before I knew it, I was deep in a conversation with my neighbor – a writer, root canal specialist, and cave diver, who first advised me on my current dental situation and then ended up sharing his perspectives on family, marriage, parenting and living life without fear. Sounds crazy, but this conversation was just one more example of being in the right place at the right time to hear things you really need to hear. Thank you Richard the Endodontist.
3. Not all my goodness has been strictly for the soul. Some has been completely material, and I am thankful just the same. I left for this trip and didn’t bring a wrist watch. I felt like I needed one. I went out and bought one (a cheap-o to get me through, not wanting to spend much, and in my heart really wanting a “nice” watch that I can’t justify buying myself). At dinner last night, my grandma pulled me aside and gave me a watch – a lovely, elegant watch that is just exactly the one I would have chosen had I been in the place to splurge for myself. Once again, the stars lined up and delivered.
4. Yes. There is one more. Flight to Montreal. Decided to not request the upgrade to First (saving my upgrade points for the longer flight home on Wednesday), but then the flight was full and I got bumped up to First anyway. A minor lucky break, but if we’re counting up goodness, might as well count it all.

This is really just the short list. I have been noticing a lot of goodness these days. And for good reason – I’ve been looking for it. It’s easy to see scarcity and fear. And easy to focus on what is lacking, rather than what is abundant. But I have been consciously looking for the abundance – the beauty, the goodness, the kind words, the wisdom offered up by ministers and parents and cave-diving endodontists.

Tuning in to the goodness tunes out the fear-based thinking that keeps me from living a joyful life. It takes some effort, but when I expect the goodness to come, it comes. And the more I notice it, the more there is to see.

Optimism. It brings forth the good.

Grace

Grace is the spirit of the infinite and divine power that moves in this world, through people, manifesting as hope, love, joy and gratitude. I felt this grace in a profound and powerful way when I became a mother, and it changed my view of the world and my place in it. Not overnight, but I do see that the life-altering decision to become a parent did truly alter me – mostly in ways I could never have imagined.

Being open to grace, being aware of it moving in my life is more than a poetic notion, and much more than any religious doctrine I may have learned or come to believe. Inviting the spirit of grace into my daily life is both easy and difficult. Simple and complex.

How is it showing up?

• A gorgeous Saturday afternoon; chilly but sunny; a joyful, crowded playground; the sensations of my body’s ability to chase, slide, balance, and laugh right along with my son.
•  The chills I’m getting as I listen to coverage of MLK; inspires me to believe in the possibility of peace; inspires me to act from a place of love rather than a place of resistance.
• The deeping of relationships, that only comes when I go deeper within myself, take care of myself, and take responsibility for how I am showing up in the dynamic.

Once again, I see how noticing and accepting what is happening now – leaving the past in the past and now worrying so much about the future – is inviting grace into my life.

The more I experience life with grace, the sweeter it is.

“Using Lectures and Empty Threats to Discipline Your Three-Year-Old”

Alternate title to this post: “How to Waste Your Breath and Drive Yourself Crazy with Futile Discipline Techniques”

On the spectrum of parenting styles, I fall somewhere in the middle, between the spankers and the attachment parenters. Leaning toward attachment, I try to “simply” follow my heart instead of following a particular parenting guru or textbook. My style of discipline ends up on the soft side. And here we are, three years and six months into the deal, and I am questioning myself, and floundering a little in setting limits and providing discipline for my child.

In the moments of passion – he wants one thing, I want another – I negotiate. I give. I do this because I feel like it’s important for my child to have a voice, have a preference, and yes, to get his way a lot of the time. Doesn’t seem fair that I get my way just because “I’m the Mom and I say so” or because my way is faster, more convenient, or otherwise BETTER than his way. Out of respect for my child as a person, I believe he has a right to his say in the matters of his daily life.

Problem is, this is not working. And I have resorted, on too many occasions, to empty threats and lectures, trying to get this child (who is exhibiting nothing but normal, age-appropriate naughtiness) to comply. He’s even resorted to covering his years when I start in on him with one of my lectures about why and how I want him to comply. And I’ve even resorted to saying, “You have to do this because we say so and parents know better than children.” Ug.

All of my actions are well-intentioned, but clearly, we need to revamp the approach. I need to find a new way to set expectations and boundaries that are rooted in love, AND that actually work to create order, peace and happiness for all of the members of our family.

Perhaps you’ve seen Katharine Kersey’s 101 Positive Principles of Discipline. I came across Kersey while I was pregnant, and filed this somewhat daunting list away for the day I would need it. And tonight, after a series of “situations” that left the parents feeling pissed off and the kid kicking and screaming, I pulled out that list and started reading.

In Katherine’s words, “good parents use many of them without even realizing it.” So I did feel relieved that some of the things we instinctively do to create routines and boundaries are on the list (whew! I can still qualify for “good parent” status), and that her overarching principle of using kindness, trust and respect to empower children to make good choices aligns with the heart values I am trying to uphold and instill in my kid.

Now, who can really digest and implement 101 different principles? I can’t even remember the 7 digits of my cell number, so I had to start weeding the list down to something a little more manageable. Here are a few that stood out to me, organized by discipline directed to ME, and discipline to be directed to the child (a distinction Kersey doesn’t make in her list, but clearly many of these “rules” are more about shaping the parent’s expectations rather than the child’s actions):

For the Parent:

• Demonstrate Respect Principle – Treat the child the same way you treat other important people in your life – the way you want him to treat you – and others. (How would I want her to say that to me?)
• Follow Through/Consistency Principle – Don’t let the child manipulate you out of using your better judgment. Be firm (but kind)!
• Make a Sacrifice Principle – Sometimes you have to forget your personal desires (talking on your cell phone, watching a movie, doing your homework) and give full attention to the child.
• Owning the Problem Principle – Decide who owns the problem by asking yourself, “Who is it bugging?” If it is bugging you, then you own the problem and need to take responsibility for solving it – OR – you can opt to not let it bug you (and let it go), such as in sibling quibbling!

For the Child:

• When/Then – Abuse it/Lose it Principle – “When you have finished your homework, then you may watch TV.” (No homework – no TV.)
• Bunny Planet Principle – (adapted from Rosemary Wells) – Close your eyes and tell the children that you are going to the bunny planet (or another imaginary place). Ask them to tell you when they are ready for you to come back (when things are quiet and they are ready to make good choices). If you are at home, you might go to the bathroom and wait for behavior to improve. Take your telephone, radio and books. Do not come out until behavior has changed.
• Blame it on the Rules Principle – “Our school /family rule is to wash your hands before eating.”
• “I” Message Principle – Own your own feelings. “When you leave wet towels on the bed, the bed gets wet, and I feel angry. I would like for you to hang them on the hook behind the door.”
• Positive Closure Principle – At the end of the day, remind your child that she is special and loved. Help her to look for something good – about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.

And one more for everyone to embrace…

• Have Fun Together Principle – Children love to know that they bring us joy and pleasure. Lighten up and have fun.

So, tomorrow is a new day. And I’ll take it one step at a time. Perhaps it will be the day we introduce the Bunny Planet (since Casey is really into outer space right now), or we’ll have a family meeting to revisit our family rules. Of course whatever the step, I’ll be making it along side my husband and co-parent, and we need to come together on this to make it work.

I’m sure this is not the final post on this issue.

My Thinking Planning Mind

I’m like most people when it comes to the New Year…compelled to think about resolutions, changes I want to make. Since I am a whole year wiser than the last time I thought about New Year Resolutions, I wanted to go about this exercise with thoughtfulness and care, and take this opportunity to realign my daily ways to be closer to the aspirations and expectations I have for my life.

I’ve been mulling this over for the past week or so, thinking about my goals and dreams and what actions I can take this year to move closer to them. What I came to is that I want to set intentions rather than resolutions.  The difference being more than semantic, I want my New Years “realignment” to reach deeper than the size of my jeans.

I’m setting my intention on this:

Focus on the wellness of my body, mind and spirit. Rather than saying, “I will go to the gym 7 days a week” or “I will meditate for 30 minutes every day,” I intend to simply (or not so simply as I’m sure it will be in practice) pay attention to the whole of me, listen closely, and give myself what it needs. That certainly includes regular exercise to keep my body healthy, and it also includes challenging my mind with creative projects and interesting books, and nurturing my spiritual self with a consistent practice of prayer, meditation, or some kind of activity that rejuvenates my soul. Oh, and it also means that I will lovingly hush the inner critic who throws up doubts and fans the flames of my fears and anxieties…and that I will forgive myself when I go off track.

So I’ve already hinted at some of the things I will “do” in order to “be” my best self – exercise, creativity, prayer. And here are a few other intentions that are going to help me be well…

• Align my spending with my values. Be alert to my cravings and desires, and think carefully before buying things that don’t contribute to the wellness of myself, my family or the world. This includes purchasing needless “stuff,” needed “stuff” that comes in excessive, wasteful packaging, and food that goes bad in the fridge because we didn’t eat it in time (likely tied to a decision to eat out or bring home pizza).
• Be of service. Place myself in a position of giving as often or more often than I am in a position of receiving. This doesn’t necessarily translate into the obvious response of donating money or volunteering time. It means that I wish to go about my daily life with an open, giving heart, approaching life with an attitude of generosity, rather than a sense of selfishness.
• Listen and be present. Once the intentions are set, the plans are made, the dinner is in the oven, let it go and pay attention to what is happening right here and now. Allow my son, my husband, my parents, colleagues, friends, etc. to have my attention. Shush the thinking planning mind that is constantly grasping, wanting, and processing for the future, so I can experience the present moment.

The beauty of setting my intention toward wellness, and acknowledging from the start that I will forgive myself my mistakes, is that I can’t really fail. Paying attention to the unfolding of each day will be enough.

Celebrating Solstice

Winter Solstice. It’s the darkest day of the year. A turning point, when we begin to see the lengthening of days. Renewal and rebirth. A connection to the timeless earth and infinite spirit of life.  

Although it occurs right smack in the middle of the Christmas season, I’ve been drawn to the idea of a Winter Solstice celebration, seeing the rich symbolism of light, the connection to Mother Earth, and an absence of preconceived ideas and expectations that I already hold for other celebrations this time of year. For me, Solstice represents an opportunity to create a meaningful tradition for myself and my family – it can be anything we want it to be.

But I wonder, how do I “create” a new tradition for my family? Traditions are not made, they become. They evolve when a person, or a family, finds meaning and beauty in the repetition of the observance. But you’ve got to start somewhere, right?

So we planned a Solstice dinner made of symbolic ingredients, eaten by candlelight, shared with another like-minded family with an interest in this “new” holiday. Well, icy snowy roads kept our friends from coming, but we made our dinner, dimmed the lights, and enjoyed a warm family dinner to celebrate the darkest night of the year.

Solstice Supper

• Roasted Vegetable Soup: Butternut Squash, Carrots, Parsnips, Turnips, Leeks, Onion, Thyme, Rosemary and Bay Leaves
• Rosemary Bread
• Apple Cinnamon Walnut Muffins

…And the symbolism behind it (which I picked up from this article about another family’s Solstice ritual)

• Rosemary is for remembering favorite highlights of the year
• Bay leaves cleanse the unsettling events of the past year
• Apple symbolizes love – for each other and for the earth
• Walnuts are wishes for the coming year
• A centerpiece of evergreens and a candle are for resilience and light

I realize that you can’t force tradition to happen, and I think overloading on symbolism and spirituality could mean certain death for a fledgling family ritual (speaking for my family anyway). So we didn’t make too big a deal out of it all – just lit our candle, talked a little about the darkest night and the coming longer days, and then got down to the eating. I did get Casey to eat half of a walnut (which he was meticulously picking out of his muffin) so he could make a wish.

Besides the fact that I realized after finishing the grocery shopping that we had no bay leaves (we just pretended they were in there…). And, oh, that we actually had our celebration on December 20 instead of the 21st (for logistical reasons…). And oh, oh, that we watched the Ravens game on NFL.com while we ate (planning new traditions during football season requires give and take…), I thought it was lovely. And I look forward to next year when maybe we do it again – add some friends, subtract some snow, mix in a few other elements perhaps?

We’ll see how our Solstice ritual evolves.

Putting Casey to Bed

My eyes open

Fuzzy outline focusing now

    forehead

    nose

    lips

    chin

Sleeping silhouette beside me

Slide my shoulder from under his

Soft moan

Quiet fart

Silent song bursts open my heart

Perfect sleeping boy

Pushing the Limits

My darling boy is pushing my buttons lately. Crying at the drop of a hat to get his way, bossing me around like a servant (or the kid brother he doesn’t have) - he’s really found his stride in this realm of “winning” over his Mom.

And hey, how can you blame him? I give in. I “use my words” and try really really hard to not throw fits right back at him. I negotiate and bargain to keep the peace. Because he demands that I do, I hold his hand all the way to the bathroom, pull down his pants, sit his butt on the toilet, help him down, re-pants him and stand over him while he washes his hands. And I know darn well that he can do all of this himself because he does it at school.

I’m trying so hard to be an accepting, loving, patient parent, but right now I’m just being a doormat. But I’m trying to work on this by shifting my awareness from the behavior (which makes me want to wring his neck) to the need (which typically touches my heart and reminds me of why I don’t actually wring his neck).

I ask: What is he really wanting and what is he really needing right now?

Sometimes I think he plain old wants to be served. Find his toy so he doesn’t have to look. Though I can’t blame him for trying, that B.S. has got to stop! I think of my own childhood and a few choice phrases from my dad, particularly, “Is your arm broken?” when we asked for help with something we were entirely capable of doing for ourselves. This morning, I just let him cry until he got tired of it and moved on to a toy that was within reach (instead of the one on the other side of the room that I wouldn’t go get for him). No one incurred any serious mental or emotional damage, and the whole thing was over in about a minute. That worked okay. I’ll keep trying that.

But sometimes, there is a more important motivator, I think. Like this crazy new thing he’s doing at mealtimes – wanting me to take the same bites he does and not eat faster than him. Do you know how slow a three-year-old eats? It’s really slow. So, I inevitably eat faster, and bring down the wrath of Casey. The tears. The wailing. The non-breathing crying thing that makes his face go red-purple. Why does he do this? I think it’s because he doesn’t want to get left at the table (which sometimes happens at breakfast when we are trying to get out the door to school and work), or doesn’t want to get left out of the dinner table action in general (which also sometimes happens when Mom and Dad are talking about grown-up stuff and not talking to Casey). So what can I do about this one? Reassure him that we will stay until everyone is done. Include him in the conversation. Crack a few jokes to lighten the mood. That seems to work okay. I’ll keep trying that.

Then there is the bossiness. The interupting. The please-read-this-book-to-me-but-then-I’m-going-to-goof-around-and-not-listen-but-lose-my-mind-if-Mom-even-tries-to-skip-a-page-or-put-the-book-down thing that he did tonight at bedtime. What is the need underneath the madness? I’m thinking this behavior is about needing boundaries. Needing limits. That’s why he’s pushing them, right? So I tell him that I won’t read if he’s going to be disrespectful to me and boss me around. That if he acts like the big boy that he is, there will be more stories. If not – straight to bed. And what do you know, he sat still, listened to the story, got his teeth brushed and earned one more story before bedtime. That worked okay. I’ll keep trying that.

Keep trying. Don’t give up. Stay present. Take a deep breath.

All lessons I can both teach and learn by being an accepting, loving, patient parent who sets boundaries and expectations for her son.